Such things could not be so, if you really had faith like I claimed to! I was not that way! It cannot be! How is THAT ever perfection? It would destroy everything for me in the world I had created by doing everything for everyone ‘ never mind the fact that I was slowly dying with every task I finished. For years this defined my life.
So sitting in church, watching Mr. Gay play the piano was very hard for me. Not because he bothered me, but because he could not tell me anything about his life, nor could I tell him about mine. About the beautiful woman who held my heart in her hands, about how we loved each other beyond measure, about how it feels to hold her in my arms and smell her perfume as I kiss her. I could not openly hold her hand or acknowledge her place in my life because I was a Christian, and Christians were not homosexuals.
(Side note: I don’t believe that and I know my faith in Jesus is real and true. It’s just these PEOPLE who are so far from His word that bug!)
In any case, I have created this prison for myself as well. Oh to say to hell with my Christian job! To find a job where I can come out! To tell my family members, without care, of my undying devotion to the woman I love! But there was still that ‘perfect’ part hanging onto my old life... the life where I didn’t want to shatter the image I had worked so hard for. By doing so, what would it cost?
I want it so badly and yet I am scared.
So I look at Mr. Gay playing the piano and wonder, what is his life like?
Comments
victoriasecret said,
March 21, 2007 at 12:13 am
hang on smoke ring..
you are not the only one with this issue… =). Having said that, perhaps it may be good to share this issue with someone you can trust in your church. I did that and I talked to her about this issue very often, not to solve the problem, but just to reduce the load.
ok, Gbu..
Cheryl said,
March 24, 2007 at 6:41 pm
Smoke Ring, coming out is one of the scariest, loneliest steps a gay person can take, but having done it 3 yrs ago, it’s also been the most significant and rewarding things I’ve done in my life. I felt like I was born again & being able to be true to myself did wonders for my psychological health, self esteem and my relationship with those who are close to me. Sure, it wasn’t easy for some of them to accept me being lesbian but I’m not only defined by my sexual orientation. While it is an important part of my identity, it doesn’t define who I am. And like so many other women out there, I am so much more than just a lesbian.
I’ve been told by many straight folks that I’m brave to have come out to so many I know (family, friends, boss and colleagues, and no, I don’t work in an advertising agency). Much as my ego would like to sometimes belief that bravery was involved in my decision to come out, I think that it was something that I simply had to do, otherwise I would have had a meltdown – the hiding & lying to myself was eating me.
I guess the main thing I want to tell you Smoke Ring, is that it is possible to be out and to still have your friends and family accept you as you are. Sometimes we don’t give our friends enough credit.
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