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Gaytopia 2050: The Masterplan of the Gay Community
Articles - Humour
Written by Indu   
Thursday, 01 November 2007 00:00

Inspired by the likes of Thio Li-Ann and a commentor only known as Seowteochew. A shorter version was first posted here.

I’m going to let you guys in on a secret: all the rumours about the Gay Agenda are absolutely true. Every last word. In my hands I have the Masterplan of the Gay Community, otherwise known as Gaytopia 2050, hardcopy edition. I’ve obtained these plans from the headquarters of Homopolis, located somewhere in between the end of the rainbow and the pot of gold. It wasn’t easy sneaking it out, as I had to get past a couple of flamboyant queens who insisted on giving me makeup tips, and a whole army of dancing gay men who wouldn’t let me pass until I Flaunted it. And then there was the perilous trip across the oily and slippery room of diesel dykes, and the final barrier: walking through the Hall of Decadence.

Before the queens in high heels descend on me with their featherboas, I am going to give you all a sneakpeak in to the Masterplan, planned to the second, till 2050.

Top Ten Goals to be achieved by 2050

  1. Outlaw straight sex – heterosexuality is an affront to our morals and repugnant to a small minority of society who insists on stripping other people of their rights in order to feel good about themselves, even though their rights are not affected.
  2. Outlaw straight marriage – straight people will destroy the institution of marriage with their rising divorce rates, partner abuse, adultery, exploitation of children, sexual violence against women and children [what if fathers rape their daughters?!]. It is not safe for our children to grow up in a stable two-parent household, even though they are loving and caring, because it is inherently bad for them to have parents of different sexes. There are no studies to prove this, but it is true because we say so!
  3. Anyone who admits he or she is straight will be discharged from the army, and made ineligible to donate blood. Even though, really, orientation has nothing do with either of these things, but who cares?
  4. Encourage a culture of intolerance, where parents disown straight children if they ever come out to you. It is always shameful when your child grows up to be a healthy productive individual in society but isn’t fucking whom you want him to fuck. If technology is advanced enough, find the straight gene and abort straight foetuses before birth. Better yet, manipulate their genes in-utero.
  5. Make it compulsory to dismiss straight individuals in high-ranking positions in the government and MNCs, because apparently the thought of them fucking someone of the opposite sex is too much to bear for the people who interact with them or work under them.
  6. Dismiss straight teachers – they might prey on the children!
  7. Make life hell for straight activists. Monitor their activities, and ban their events, especially if they involve picnics, a run, or an exhibition.
  8. Slap R21 ratings on movies which dare to suggest that straight people are happy and normal too. Or ban them completely. Tell the media they are not supposed to print or show anything which “celebrates” heterosexuality.
  9. Send straight people into rehabilitation camps, where they will learn to renounce their abnormal heterosexual tendencies and learn to love people of the same sex, the way they were always intended to. Who cares if this damages them for life? The important thing is that we dictate whom people are allowed to love.
  10. Allow straight people to live in peace provided that they do nothing to reclaim the rights they are entitled to, so that we can get their money.

Top Five Ways to Impose our “Culture” on everyone else

  1. Outlaw croc shoes – no one should be wearing that horrible excuse for footwear, which look more like pieces of Hannibal’s mask cut and dyed.
  2. Make gym membership compulsory for all men upon reaching the age of 18. National Service just doesn’t cut it, in keeping our men fit! Plus there is no danger of mosquito bites in a gym.
  3. Make it compulsory for all kids to learn Madonna songs by heart from primary 3 onwards.
  4. Force employers to give emergency paid leave based on “my-girlfriend’s-ex-threw-a-drink-in-her-face-at-a-bar-its-all-lesbian-drama-gotta-go”.
  5. Make U-hauls compulsory – no couples shall date for more than 3 days before getting into a relationship and moving in.

Oh no the queens are knocking on the door… I have to run!

Last Updated on Tuesday, 16 February 2010 16:24
 
Sticky Rice
Articles - Humour
Written by Indu   
Thursday, 04 January 2007 00:00
Taken from JupiterImages.com

No, this is not yet another thesis on the colonial-mentality-induced potato-queen-rice-queen culture, or the lack thereof. This is in fact, a rant musing on the proliferation of couples who are as bad, or worse than sticky rice grains.

I know what you are thinking: there goes the veteran single again, who has grapes sour enough to make wine. Get a life, pleinelune! and maybe you will finally stop complaining about couples and being single.

Well, yes, I am single, but no, I do not have sour grapes- how can I, when I have decided apples are better than grapes? [leaves her readers' minds to run wild on the sexual innuendos surrounding the last statement] But as an apple-eater, I have observed the grapes from afar, and have made a few observations.

Exhibit A: The Clingwraps. Have you ever been to a party/gathering, where all the couples are clingy enough to make GladWrap look like dry wood? Nothing wrong with a little PDA- but really honey, do you have to spend the entire party on your partner's lap?

Last Updated on Thursday, 25 February 2010 16:36
 
How to tell if your gf is a gay activist
Articles - Humour
Written by Jin   
Thursday, 31 August 2006 00:00

Gay activists are all around us! They are people just like you and me! And what with IndigNation just ended, they have had ample opportunity to flex those activist muscles (for which they are so beloved). Suspect your partner might be an activist in her free time? Suddenly finding she has no more free time? Here are more tell-tale signs.

1. The boot of your car suddenly has a stack of A2-sized IndigNation posters plus boxes of A4- and A5-sized IndigNation flyers…(dead giveaway)

…then you and your gf drive around one evening to the various friendly bars and nite-clubs giving them posters to put up to spread the word about Pride Month.

2. Your gf suddenly has many meetings to attend and/or chair…

…so much so that you go to her favourite cafe after a gym session, surveying the place for her. The helpful waiter, recognising you, says “Looking for your friends? The group of girls, one is quite tall, wears glasses…? Yeah, they left about 5 mins ago”

3. Your gf’s bedtime ranges between 3am and 6am.

You go to sleep, she’s online, IM-ing with other energetic souls, organising things. You wake up, she’s still online, IM-ing with other energetic souls, organising yet more things…

4. You try to phone or send her a text message, but there is no response…

Don’t worry! She’s not ignoring you. Try getting onto, say, MSN. She’s probably online, IM-ing someone to convince them to emcee one of the events, or organising yet more logistics.

5. Your house gets redesignated as Lesbian Community Centre.

Living away from home has its advantages. Your gf can organise meetings, parties etc… and which other community space has three friendly cats to accentuate the lesbian-ness?

6. You realise you are on display

As the partner of someone who’s a familiar face in our community, I find myself surrounded by new friends, some of whom are younger than I am. We/I get all kinds of questions from “Can I borrow some non-fiction books on sex?” (Sure, just keep them clean) to “So what’s it like, being attached, and old?” (Just wait til you get there yourself, honey)

7. You find yourself at a whole range of gay pride events…

…and see such queer icons as Alex Au and Russell Heng (I mean, Dr Russell Heng)…and find them introducing themselves by their first names! Well, I’ve decided that Uncle Alex and Uncle Russell are more appropriate. And respectful.

I hope these clues help you determine if your gf might secretly be a gay activist… Or indeed, if YOU yourself might unwittingly be one too!

Last Updated on Tuesday, 16 February 2010 16:23
 
When your girlfriend leaves you for a man
Articles - Humour
Written by Indu   
Tuesday, 04 July 2006 00:00

Inspired by a search referral of these precise words which hit on this blog, I thought, hey, since some loser dyke is already googling for this information, might as well give it to her.

Alright. So you are feeling like Bette Porter on The L Word, watching your (ex)girlfriend make out with a man she met two days ago [albeit, hopefully not with leprosy on his back] So what do you do? This is my top ten list of things to do, not necessarily in this order.

1. Get drunk. Not on beer, not on those cheap vodkas, but wine, until you are totally wallowing in depression [wine has that effect]

2. Watch all the gay movies from 'Desert Heart' to 'Brokeback Mountain' back to back with a box of Kleenex in your hand.

3. Go to a silent retreat and stay there until you attain Buddha. Escape from the silent retreat when you can't stand it anymore, and scream all the way down the mountain

4. Call up all your friends and whine to them about your ex who just turned into Tina.

5. Call up your ex and promise her you'll try strap-ons if she comes back

6. Go on a I-hate-men rampage, and yell at your poor male subordinate for being a stupid, egotistical, penis-driven a******

7. Decide on a vow of vengeance and chase your ex and her new boyfriend all over town with a knife, 'Girlfriend' style. Don't forget to jump off the building at the end.

8. After you are discharged out of the hospital with a whole-body cast [being a dumb lesbian, you only jumped off at the 3rd storey], spend three days crying as your bed faces the picture of you two together on the table.

9. After you get better, you smash that picture.

10. You spend the next two weeks putting it back together, cutting your hand in the process. Bandage, and get drunk to get over pain. Repeat all 10 steps until you have purged your grief.

Or, you could just move on a get a new girlfriend. Hopefully you have better taste this time.

Last Updated on Tuesday, 16 February 2010 16:22
 
Integrated Queeresorts
Articles - Humour
Written by Indu   
Sunday, 25 June 2006 00:00
What would happen if our beloved government one day decided to legalise gay marriage? Pleinelune, the resident satirist, takes a hike through her imagination.

In 20 years, we would have exhausted every hub possibility we can think of: life science lah, tourism lah, arts lah - we are losing our edge! There is nothing we are  ‘superior ‘ to other countries in! Our economy is in grave danger!

Then, someone would suggest that we legalise gay marriage. We can be the new gay Hub in Asia! Which would bring in lots of money in tourism, as clearly, gay people are rich brats rolling around in money, just waiting to blow it on their wedding.

Which would of course, cause a huge hue and cry. There would be a heated parliamentary debate about this. The liberals would keep stressing how much money we would gain, how many jobs it would create ; and the conservatives would respond with how gay marriages are going to destabilise society and bring in ‘undesirable’ elements. It would cause an erosion of morals!

Then the debate embroils the whole country. People are discussing it everywhere: online discussion boards, schools, at the water-coolers- it is a hot topic! Stickers would be created which go ‘Gay? No!’. The country is essentially divided on the issue.

Then, just at the convenient time, a scandal would erupt, concerning someone on the death row, diverting everyone’s attention, during which, the final proposals for legalising gay marriage would be submitted to the parliament. After taking a not-so-random poll, the government would declare that majority of the country is okay with it, and having considered the benefits, it was going to go ahead and build not one, but TWO Registries of Marriage exclusively for gay people, complete with saunas, pubs and clubs. They would not be called gay marriage bureaus, but Integrated Queeresorts.

Over the next few months, several articles would appear in the newspaper about how much benefit the Integrated Queeresorts (IQ) would be to the economy. Then the government would announce several ‘preventive measures’ to stop ordinary citizens from falling prey to the evils of gay marriage. For example, queer citizens would have to pay $100 extra for the services provided at the IQ. Also, people would be advised to report their relatives to the IQ, if they suspect that they are addicted to homosexuality, so that the IQ can refuse them entry. ‘Inspiring’ articles would appear in the newspaper about people who recovered from their addiction to homosexuality. The IQ is for rich ang mohs: ordinary citizens better get married to a person of the opposite sex.

And don’t forget, make exactly 2.1 babies.

 

Last Updated on Thursday, 25 February 2010 16:33
 
Laws of Lesbianism
Articles - Humour
Written by Indu   
Friday, 23 June 2006 00:00

Lost about the complex dynamics of lesbian relationships? Need some guidance? Let Pleinelune, the resident satirist, help you.

1. Thou shalt date your friends

2. Thou shalt either have deep, intimate but sexless relationships with your exes, or never ever talk to them again.

3. Thou shalt get down on your knees and prostrate everytime Leisha Hailey appears on TV.

4. Thou shalt talk about girls at every opportunity with your friends.

5. Thou shalt not date someone with the same hair

7. Thou shalt bring a U-haul to second date

6. Thou shalt bring a turkey baster to third date

8. Thou shalt just talk about feelings with your partner and take showers, all the time.

9. Thou shalt merge with your partner, in terms of clothing, hair, mindset and everything else, over the years, so much so that you look like twins.

10. Thou shalt have lesbian bed death no later than 5 years into the relationship

If Thou have not fulfilled all of these ten commandments, thou art a bad lesbian, and thou shalt not attain lesbian heaven, filled with beautiful girls, and thou shalt be thrown into hell filled with ugly straight men.

 
Why Activists Don’t Get Laid
Articles - Humour
Written by AnJ   
Monday, 12 June 2006 00:00

Otherwise known as an explanation for why I am still single

Activists are great people. Well, duh, I would say so, I am one. People like us work our butt off for the good of the community, so that all you mortals folks out there can kiss your girlfriends and not get arrested. But we activists have a major problem: we are single more often than not, sometimes, more often than all the time.

Clearly, there are reasons for this.

1. Gods Activists like us don't need companionship! We are strong, independent people who are able to survive without support. *thumbs nose*

2. The first thing when two activists get together is start debating. Which is all very nice and all, but it wears our tongues out, severely impairing our performance in bed - who has the energy to lick pussy when it has been wagging all day long? Or worse, the debate is online, and we have worn our fingers out too!

3. It is the second law of nature that no two activists have exactly the same viewpoint. [the first law is that activists don't get laid] Hence, us and our girlfriends/soon-to-be-exes, who are likely to be activists as well, will definitely have a war of words over issues like representational politics, identity formation, and acceptance of minority groups. Who has time to argue about money, roving eyes, and household chores when there are more pertinent issues like these to resolve? Nevermind the fact that after you fight about feelings, you still have a chance to kiss and makeup, something that completely goes out of the window when you reveal your political inclinations.

4. On Friday nights, we don't head to the gay clubs. We go for meetings to frame the bill for gay rights, never mind the fact that everyone else but you get to take advantage of civil unions that come out of this bill, since you've just broken up with your girlfriend over whether this year's Gay Parade should include a radical lesbian feminist group who all insist on wearing Jill Johnston masks.

5. When we see a good-looking girl, the first word that comes out of our mouths isn't, 'Hey there, good-looking', but 'Would you sign my petition?'

6. Assuming that girl was charmed by your passion and spirit, repeat steps 2-5, thumb nose at everyone for a few weeks, lather, rinse. And repeat.

So there.

Pleinelune writes this with her tongue firmly lodged in her cheek, and implores her fellow activists not to bash her, if they happen to be in happy, conflict-free, sex-rich relationships.

Last Updated on Thursday, 25 February 2010 16:35
 
Men
Articles - Humour
Written by Indu   
Saturday, 25 March 2006 00:00

'Ugh. Straight men!'

Sounds familiar? Of course it does: many of us would have said in the past, in the same tone we denounce religious bigots or a particularly distasteful barbarian tribe. Men are our enemies, men are our arch nemesis, out to steal our girlfriends and exploit us through pornography. Men are clueless idiots who have no idea how to please a girl [and of course, you can do it so much better, can't you?] and only think of their penises. Men think that lesbianism is a phase and that lesbians just haven't met the right man.

Of course, sadly, many of these stereotypes are true. But not always. I came out with the help of a STRAIGHT male friend, who had absolutely no problems with me being gay. It is fair to say without him, I wouldn't be here typing this, because I'd be deep in my closet.

Rationally, any one would know that not all men are male chauvinist homophobes. Sadly, though, many lesbians continue to persist in their misoandric ways, though irrational. We lambast gay men for being misogynistic, but what about our own prejudices? How many times have we derided penises, the way gay men deride vagina?

 

Last Updated on Tuesday, 16 February 2010 16:20