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A sex-issue (indirectly)
Articles - Relationships
Written by AnJ   
Tuesday, 08 May 2007 00:00

After a good chat with friends over the past fortnight, i came to this conclusion:

Women will never say that it's a sex issue.

Most women anyway or else it is said with great reluctance. Because proper girls are supposedly asexual. Sex is a bonding affair for good girls, never meant to be physically gratifying. Only bad girls like sex.

Ya right. *spit*

However, this is so deeply ingrained in most of us, we don't even know it consciously. It has an insidious effect- identified only by those who could remove their 'moral' glasses.


If your darling girlfriend has a sexual frequency of say 2 times a week but romps per week have been at number one or less, you may find the following symptoms:
1. Out-of-the-blue accusations that you don't care about her.
2. Doubts about compatibility and the longevity of the relationship.
3. Mountains spun out of molehills.

Don't bother asking her if it's all about sex.

The answer is likely a 'NO!', followed by angry words of indignation.
[Far and few in between are the girls who tell you in your face- i need sex and we ain't having enough of it!]
Save your skin, be alive.

You may argue, 'I am dead-tired!'

But understanding the situation does not mean that there would be no frustration. It reduces the level of frustration (she knows alternative explanations like adultery are out) but does not eliminate it.

Yes, i understand you are busy, but my sexual need remains unfulfilled.

It's like understanding why there's a famine in the land (e.g. no rain, crops died) and remaining hungry. Makes sense, doesn't it?

So something more permanent has to be done. When there is an avalanche of things coming your way, it just leaves you with less to come up with a lasting solution. It's easier to say what to do, harder to put these into action. Even harder when the actual issue is veiled behind seemingly irrelevant things.

For then you find yourself avoiding things that may lead to sex…

One girl told me she had to lie about her monthly period to avoid sex. Apparently her frisky partner has a real tall ceiling on the amount of sex she would like to have per day. Another pretends to be real engrossed in the television programme, so that cuddling sessions do not progress into sex. This leads her partner into accusations like “we are not spending quality cuddle-time!” and the inevitable line of thought that progresses from this “you don’t care enough about me…” and then “is this relationship meant to be?”

It’s a murky chain-reaction that doesn’t seem to end. And things get murkier and murkier although the reason is bright and clear in your mind.

So, what’s a girl to do?

Last Updated on Thursday, 25 February 2010 17:28


# rrabbit06 2010-02-02 20:49

rabbit06 said,

April 5, 2007 at 10:48 pm

I would think that the definition of a soul mate that was given in that article merely described some of the aspects of a relationship. Deep down, when one seeks love, what one is really trying to find is someone who not only complements, but also understands and ultimately, accepts them for the person that they really are.

That said, there is no fault in seeking a soul mate, just as there isn’t anything wrong with not being able to find someone who totally lives up to your expectations.
# anJJ 2010-02-02 20:50

AnJ said,

April 6, 2007 at 3:15 pm

Yes. Only some aspects! There are more.
Thus the author is saying that our expectations for partners are too high to be attainable.

The author makes this link:

Partner falls short of expectations- disappointment- we seek elsewhere- unstable relationships- high divorce rate.
# rrabit06 2010-02-02 20:50

rabbit06 said,

April 6, 2007 at 9:44 pm

My reference to the author’s definition was more of the fact that it didn’t really put across the point as I believed was intended.

The viewpoint of an increased sense of idealism isn’t exactly invalid. Very often, the modern media’s portrayal of relationships is a beautiful but distorted version of this reality. The media is very apt at constantly evoking human desires and this can indirectly make people feel less and less fulfilled. While there is no denying that the media’s powerful influence has contributed much to our heightened expectations, it is not the sole factor leading to a higher divorce rate.
# anjj 2010-02-02 20:50

AnJ said,

April 6, 2007 at 10:19 pm

The point of my article is probably not very clear- But i never state that idealism is not harmful as you seemed to have interpreted.

Far from it, i wrote that we need to see that people are human- thus short of perfection/the ideal.

The point of my article is as written in the title and repeated over the article that follows: why is the concept of a soul mate necessary disastrous? Why attack the concept of a soulmate when that is not a major cause? Unless your definition of a soulmate entails a perfect someone.
# QY 2010-02-02 20:50

QY said,

April 6, 2007 at 11:30 pm

The concept of soulmate might be due to equality and�think it is a�sign of development�in society. Women and men are educated and on-par, bringing�similar things to the relationship. Soulmates happen only when there is no superior/sub-ordinate sort of relationship.
# rrabbit06 2010-02-02 20:50

rabbit06 said,

April 7, 2007 at 9:16 am

Actually, that wasn’t really my point. Save for the author’s concept of soul mate (which I’ve disagree with), I thought that the viewpoint of higher expectations is not an unsubstantiated one.

The author probably used the idea of a soul mate to back her statements on increased idealism and not really intending to fault it in a direct manner. Anyway, I wouldn’t really want to use something which definitions may broadly vary to support generic statements.
# AnJJ 2010-02-02 20:51

AnJ said,

April 7, 2007 at 10:30 am

Ah. then we are talking about different things.

I am not talking about the real intent of the author. That, we probably never know for sure until we ask.

I am talking about the way it is presented.

There are other questions i am curious in, things that run deeper beneath her article:

1. Is a higher divorce rate such a terrible thing that anything (e.g. concept of soulmate) that seems remotely correlated with it or that seemingly resemble a factor ought to be found fault with? What do(es) higher divorce rates reflect?

2. And what’s wrong with higher expectations? Is it necessary a vice? What do higher expectations reflect?

The author and you talk about increased idealism. But this is definate and not at all a surprise- no one would disagree on this one.

What i want to ask is: what’s so wrong with that?
# rrabbit06 2010-02-02 20:51

rabbit06 said,

April 7, 2007 at 3:15 pm

The issue of whether or not increased idealism is ideal or not (pun not intended), is rather paradoxical one.

And Anj, at this rate that we’re going, I’m afraid that we might have to make this discussion private or let it end here.
# AnJJ 2010-02-02 20:51

AnJ said,

April 7, 2007 at 8:59 pm

Questions asked in the last post were not directed at you only. =)

In fact, we weren’t discussing anything particularly. It was clarification.
# Dr. Carowinds Malte 2010-02-02 20:51

Dr. Carowinds Maltease said,

May 1, 2007 at 12:23 am

The author has many valid points. However, the soul is more than just a wave of emotions or feelings. Love is more than wedding bands and sharing houses, it is a commitment regardless of circurmstances.

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