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A secret love
Articles - Relationships
Written by snorkeem   
Saturday, 28 October 2006 00:00

I stood there today in the drizzle, staring over the rolling fields just beyond the entrance of the cemetery. I tried to imagine you sitting there and giving me that silly grin like you always do.

‘I know, Jean. I knew long ago and it is the same for me.’ She said to me. I looked blankly at her, too stunned to react. What is it that she knows? A love that has no name to it, I thought to myself: how could it be? Surely it was an abomination, a direct ticket to hell. I was ashamed that she knew, I couldn’t face myself or say anything more and she left it as that, unsure and nervous over my silence.

We spent the subsequent months being the ‘best’ friends that we were to the rest of the world. We were inseparable, much to the amusement of her boyfriend, who would say in jest that he was dating two girls instead of one. To which I suffered silently in my adolescent guilt, together with the isolation and loneliness I felt for being gay.

S was a quiet girl in class. I often found her sitting alone, watching the rest of us monkey around and chatting up a storm. Maybe it was instinct or just plain curiosity; I soon made my way toward her to see if I could get her to join the rest of us. It was not long before we became good friends. I found myself searching for her between breaks and she, for me. There was an unmistakable connection that we had, as if we could read each other’s mind.

We spent many hours after school at the park nearby, sitting on a small hill, looking at the fluffy white clouds, trying to out-imagine each other over the many challenging shapes and sizes. It was a silly game we played, so that we could hang out with each other a little longer. Sometimes she would brush her hand on mine and turn around to look at me expectantly. In spite of my desires, I would pull away every single time.

We graduated soon after and went on with our busy lives, preparing for the next stage of tertiary education, but she was always with me in my thoughts. One day, S called and delivered the grim news of cancer. I tried to tell her how I feel, but the words never came. I was too scared and unsure.

A week later, I received a phonecall from her mother and was told that S wanted to see me one last time. I raced all the way to her place and was greeted by the sound of tears. I was too late…

Today, I stood at the entrance of the cemetery, wishing and hoping that you were sitting there grinning at me. This time, I sat down next to you under the protective shadow of a large tree, the leaves shuddering in all that drizzle and wind. I was a teenager again and we were alone together again. ‘S, I do love you. I’ve always love you.’ I whispered to the wind, hating myself, hoping S would hear it and forgive me.

For a long moment, I stared blankly at the emptiness of the place, my heart heavy with regret. I saw her with my inner eye again, this time with her arms extended; I couldn’t help but grin back through my tears. Under the looming clouds, I hugged her one last time, not wanting to let go, but I knew I must and made my way down that winding path alone.

I miss you.


Last Updated on Thursday, 25 February 2010 17:19


# rrafel 2010-02-02 21:12
rafel said,

October 28, 2006 at 5:46 pm

gee. super sad!
# lynn 2010-02-02 21:12

lynn said,

October 28, 2006 at 5:47 pm

This is so sad. I cried at the last bit. Heart wrenching.
# mmint 2010-02-02 21:12

mint said,

October 28, 2006 at 9:43 pm

Seize the day, treasure what we have … before it is too late.
# pleinelunee 2010-02-02 21:12

pleinelune said,

October 29, 2006 at 12:04 am

This is so touching, and well-written… didn’t know that had this in you, Jean. :)
# onekell 2010-02-02 21:12

onekell said,

October 29, 2006 at 1:33 am

I cried, even as I re-read it a few times.
# mel 2010-02-02 21:13

mel said,

October 30, 2006 at 5:47 pm

Thanks. I thought the author quite clever really. The subtext of the article was about internalised homophobia, the importance of coming out, society, social pressure, the importance of education, community support yada yada and most importantly Love and the right to love.

Very hidden meanings. I like it. Thanks for the article. It’s brilliant and moving.
# ll 2010-02-02 21:13

ll said,

November 13, 2006 at 6:05 pm

Losing a loved one is always painful, especially if you didn’t get to say goodbye at the end.

That she met you and experienced love in this way must have been truly amazing for her (even if you didn’t tell her so directly, she would’ve known) -so take comfort in the fact that you gave her more meaning in her short life than others have in their lifetime.
# Ppink_is_in 2010-02-02 21:13

pink_is_in said,

November 25, 2006 at 5:20 am

Jean my friend.. i guess when we do experience such losses in life, it help us to be the kinda person we are today.. i’m proud of you to be who you are now and never fails to gives us a smile when in actual fact deep down inside, only a few knows the real vulnerable you.. I feel for you.. and now i can see the clearer picture like why you can see through my eyes when most people don’t have a clue, we connect internally and i’m glad i have you as a friend.. Stay Brave Dear friend!

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