Something I Can Never Have

Disclaimer: lublub is about to embark on a little love story. So if you do not like to read sappy writing which drips with melancholy. Please click sayoni forums where the keyboard action is.

Taken from http://www.geocities.com/minorka2/Hentranslationvol1part2.html

I’ve been watching your world from afar,
I’ve been trying to be where you are,
And I’ve been secretly falling apart,
I’ll see.

To me, you’re strange and you’re beautiful,
You’d be so perfect with me but you just can’t see,
You turn every head but you don’t see me.

'Strange And Beautiful' - by Aqualung

It's funny sometimes, how love changes your perspective of a person.

All of a sudden, you start noticing things about that person you don’t normally notice, the tiny details, every movement, every smile seem so much more sweeter. Your hands, your fingernails, your shoes, all bear curious scrutiny from me. How my ears strain to hear only one voice, which when heard, booms right through my heart every single time. And how every ripple of laughter at someone else’s jokes cuts me deep, making me feel alone.

Whenever I’m not in the center of your world, there is no reason for me to smile, no reason for me to socialize. I just shut off from the world or throw around fake enthusiasm and fun. Hoping, hoping that if I speak loudly enough you would notice me and come over. Then I remember how much I took you for granted in the past. How at the start you were so lost in school, being one of the newcomers. Just following me around like tame sheep, confused by the 'tAs' and 'tBs' and 'tCs' blocks, wondering where we were headed. And I just went about my own class representative business, slightly amused by your “tail-gating” antics. Your constant hovering and attention on me, which, other people I know would wish on themselves.

How you could make me laugh out loud with your comments in class, how every single of our slacker lessons together was an opportunity for me to bond with you (and bond we did). Sometimes, you would hug me for no reason and tell me how wonderful I was. And how I would try to unwrap myself from your stranglehold, being a stranger to friendly affection. Then I think of the times you heap praise on me for small little things I’ve done or said, and I took them all in with a pinch of salt and trepidation. And I never really returned the favour...

I always wondered why I keep ending up spending time with you- playing beginner softball, waiting for you outside toilets, for your parents to come pick you up. Never ever knowing all these were to build up to what I feel for you today.

It's fascinating, how our talk can turn into one big drawn out joke, how we could sms each other from opposite ends of the library 10-12 times. Having a comical conversation which, I cannot imagine inventing with another person. And the “telepathy” (you said so yourself) that we had. The amazing coincidence that we would meet in the center of the library at the same instant with the same thought of asking the other to eat at the canteen.

How sometimes you are thinking what I’m thinking. And how I gave you what you want, without your asking for it. How we came up with so many nicknames for each other and pet phrases which we throw around and then laugh at. And how we look at each other with knowing and a devilish glint in our eyes because it was our private jokes our private stories. How we complete each other’s sentences and know what the other is going to say.
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Heheh, and to think I was so amazed at myself. That I can actually be a sweet person. . . To write all my poems to you. Do you know you are the only recipient of such pain-stakingly crafted words? And that every single poem I’ve wrote is somehow connected to you? From the very first to the last. I came to school for you. I came to school to take my year-end exams so that I can see you. I took 6 hours to study 6 pages of my economics notes because you were prancing around in my head. I thought of you, breathed and lived for you.

And how everything fell apart the moment you knew. When friends turned to foes. And our once exuberant conversations disappeared without a trace, as a cold war replaced it. There I languished in your sudden inability to deal with me, while you, carefree like a bird, could pretty much ignore.

You have never been in love before but, one day my dear; you will know what I’m talking about. Then you will know what you have done to me.