Am I Gay?
That is one of the first questions we all have faced at one point or another. If you are reading this page, it already means you have taken the first step on the journey of discovering your sexuality.
If I have had crushes on girls, does it mean I’m a lesbian?
Yes and no. People who are otherwise heterosexual may once have had crushes on people of the same sex. But a consistent interest in people of the same sex may indicate that you are indeed queer.
What if I like boys too? Does that make me straight, not lesbian?
People who are otherwise homosexual may also have occasional crushes on people of the opposite sex. It also can mean that you might be bisexual, not exclusively gay or straight. What is important to note is that sexuality is a scale, not a binary system, and the terms bisexual, gay and straight are not binding. Read more about Kinsey Scale
I am not masculine at all. I can’t be a lesbian
Not all lesbians, or rather, queer women, are masculine. In fact, quite a few lesbians look and behave like women you see on the streets. There are masculine lesbians too, and those who fall in between the masculine-feminine scale.
I heard gay relationships don’t last.
The length of relationships has nothing to do with which gender you are with, but the strength of committment and love you have for your partner, and how you work out your issues. There are gay relationships which have lasted till-death-do-us-part, and there are straight relationships which don’t survive the third date. If anything, what can differentiate gay from straight relationships is that gay couples have additional issues due to homophobia.
I cannot be happy if I am gay. I heard gay people are more depressed and have more issues, take drugs and all.
Anyone can be happy if they choose to be, and can work out whatever issues they have. Being gay does not automatically mean you are going to be unhappy. If anything, this unhappiness is brought about by societal pressure, and homophobia. Some may choose to be self-destructive in the face of such pressure, lack of role models and lack of support from people around them. But this is not intrinstically because one is queer, as there are so many well-adjusted, fully-functional queer people around.
My religion is anti-gay. I cannot be queer.
This is a personal issue that you have to resolve, but rest assured there are resources should you need help. There are many queer people who have resolved the conflict between their sexuality and faith, and are living healthy, happy lives in full harmony with their god(s).
I am afraid to tell my friends
If they are really your friends, then they should accept you for who you are. If they do not, then you have learned who your true friends are. That said, it is not necessary to come out immediately, and each and every one of us has our own time at which point it is necessary to tell your loved ones the truth about yourself. It is best to do this coming out only if you are sure of it yourself, so that the others will not have a reason to doubt you.
SAFE – Supporting, Affirming and Empowering LGBTQ friends and family
An organisation for the relatives of queer people and questioning folks
Oogachaga – a charitable pro-family sexuality affirming counseling and personal development agency.
Counselling and Care Centre – A queer-friendly, non-governmental, non-profit agency offering psychological counselling services and training for professionals in the mental health and social services.
Religious Resources (Singapore):
As-Salam – For Muslims
IRIS – Christian queer women’s support group that meets once every 2 weeks. Email iriswomen[at]gmail.com
Free Community Church [FCC] – Queer-affirming church
Heartland – For queer Buddhists
Resources (other countries):