News and Opinions

Thank you for breaking my heart

on . Posted in Coming Out.

This is a guest article by moonflower.

broken heart
Image from Relationshiptalk.net

We met almost purely by chance, I think. What were the odds you would stumble on my Fridae profile when we weren't remotely connected, and actually take time to read through it? Or that you would message me and tell me how you found me interesting.You know, I didn't even think you were pretty. I was already thinking of how to say no to you.

And then I heard your voice, your words. I felt the chemistry, the connection forming between two people over the phone. It was instant, precipitating out of everything we said to each other, and more importantly, what we didn't say.

I thought I was finally getting my turn, finally meeting someone I could love, after years of solitude. What did it matter, that you were plumper than I would have liked, or had a fashion sense I would otherwise bitch like hell about? We had a chemistry I never had with anyone else, man or woman. You were beautiful to me.

You were child-like, often immature. Your arguments didn't make sense, for someone who was an ex-debater. You were not remotely interested in activism, the gay community or anything related to it. You were everything that I said I didn't want in a woman, and everything my past loves and dates were not.

And yet, I fell for you.

I wish someone told me not to. Maybe I should have figured it out when you forgot to call me back for a couple of weeks. Maybe I should have listened more closely when you talked about your ex, and not believed you when you said you were over her.

Maybe I should have called it off when you eventually admitted you weren't over her.

Should've, could've, would've.

And it continued, the rollercoaster romance, of cancelled dates, of short sojourns of happiness, of long phone-calls late into the night. I was too blind to see what everyone else saw: you weren't ready, you were still in love with her. Yet you wanted me there – even though you were with other women, you got into a jealous rage when I did the same. I still remember you called my date Quack, in a fit of bitchiness, telling me she wasn't a good choice for me.

You still do that with every woman I meet.

Why didn't I leave? The same reason you never left her, I suppose, despite everything that she did to you. You may have forgiven her for every time she hit you, but I can't do the same. I wanted to rescue you, take you away from her blows, from this horrible relationship you were willingly trapped in.

When the final anvil broke the camel's back, it was when you asked me to lie to her, about our relationship. It was when you denied to my face that you were ever involved with me, in front of her.

Even The L Word could not have come up with a more dramatic scenario.

You apologised later for making me into a mistress, and you think the whole drama resolved. I was a mistake to you, a sidetrack from the project of loving her. But you have no idea how much impact you had on my life.

Do you know that you gave me a newly-acquired taste for voluptuous women? Or that I kept comparing how I felt about the people who came after you, to how I felt about you. You confused me .. I don't know what kind of women I like anymore.

For the first time in my life, I truly understood that looks really didn't matter, though I knew it before. Thanks to you, I got over the last of my hang-ups about race and dating. I stopped caring what people thought of my choice of partner.

You still have no idea, how you changed me.

You still have no idea how I am still not over the way you changed me, even though I am over you. It is all your fault, you know... curse you for making me fall for you. Curse you for making me happy in the short time we were together.

But thank you for breaking my heart.

Comments   

# Rave 2010-02-01 23:12
#

Rave said,

July 17, 2007 at 9:11 pm

Wow….wonderfully written.
Reply
# lublubb 2010-02-01 23:12
#

lublub said,

July 17, 2007 at 10:47 pm

bittersweet awwww……=)
Reply
# ssapphy 2010-02-01 23:12
sapphy said,

July 19, 2007 at 4:46 am

omg u wrote my story. for the most part of it, it’s an exact experience! and the things i wouldnt dare admit to for fear of being so politically incorrect.
Reply
# ddreamtitan 2010-02-01 23:12
#

dreamtitan said,

July 19, 2007 at 7:27 pm

Bitter(sweet) relationships make us grow so -uncomfortably- fast, almost like the love-hate relationship with those -embarrassing- nipple buds during puberty. After a while, those once-hated nipples blossom into important contours of the female body, encapsulating our gender and femininity. Somewhat similarly, past relationships cake into little rolls of film which we take out occasionally on re-play, to gaze at past memories both beautiful and ugly. Then we take away lessons from it, learning more about ourselves and other people.

Some day we sit at a quiet spot in the park, and suddenly realize that there was no one around. The calming rustle of green leaves, the scuttling of little animals through the undergrowth, the gentle breeze across our faces. Then there is a slight tingle near the heart – images of her face start emerging. With each image, there’s a bit of pain. With each flash of memory, there’s a knot of the brows. But after a slightly longer time, everything slowly fades away into the background.

A newfound peace.

I think you are a sparkle, moonflower. And there’ll be dazzling days to come, I’m sure.
Reply
# Ebellle 2010-02-01 23:13
#

Ebelle said,

July 20, 2007 at 7:25 pm

That was wonderfully powerful piece… and I can definately agree that Love can change a person… congrats for being able to look back into it with such courage and positivity… Definately a better person for it :)
Reply
# bboob-s 2010-02-01 23:13
#

boob-s said,

August 6, 2007 at 11:01 am

sorry to hear that… i can feel your pain… back then
Reply
# GrassGal 2010-02-01 23:13
#

GrassGal said,

August 31, 2007 at 11:00 am

Sweetess makes one craves for more. Bitterness makes one cringe. Nothing beats a bitter sweet relationship, leaving a memory that will last.
Reply
# pamina 2010-02-01 23:13
#

pamina said,

November 20, 2007 at 9:46 pm

such a pain to have lost so much. do know that there’s another day tomorrow, and the pain today, is a way to grow for tomorrow’s happiness.
pray, try, and hope.
the tragedy is, despite all that, you lost.
but it’s not you, its the other person who cant appreciate you.
for what its worth, may be they dont deserve you in the first place.
you deserve better than that.
Reply
# HT 2010-02-01 23:13
#

HT said,

June 9, 2008 at 12:07 am

Someone told me Lesbian is drama… thought it seems like a light feateared remark, but truely.. yes.. its a drama.

Your entry struck a chord and somehow.. it does sound familar.

The blood has dried but the scars remain.
Reply
# nnise 2010-02-01 23:14
#

nise said,

June 12, 2008 at 4:14 pm

wow.. this story sound so like me!!

they always think by saying sorry our heart or pain will be gone. they never know the pain is still there and is already hurt so badly by them..

this would be a hard time but sure u can go thru it. it take time ok..110353
Reply

Add comment


Security code
Refresh

Sign up to receive announcements and updates