This article is written by badriah and is reproduced with permission.
Read this if you are curious about the life of a homosexual. This is based on one person's experience and should not be taken to represent everybody else out there. *SPOILER ALERT No explicit or sexual content here*
Growing up with sisters was difficult as a lesbian because there were societal boxes that we need to fit into and I was a square trying to fit into a triangle.
My sisters like to look pretty and wear their hair really nice and I felt like the ugly one. Being the only one in my family with thick tight curly hair, I could barely do much to them to feel pretty. I hated wearing dresses. I feel like I needed to always keep my knees together or was afraid that wind might blow my skirt up or something. I feel extremely comfortable and free in pants. I always felt jealous of boys because they get to wear comfortable clothes while I was forced to wear itchy, scratchy dresses.
I remember vividly wanting my mum to buy a pair of jeans. I was maybe 8 or 10? I cried and cried until my mum relented. We were at Geylang Serai. There was a bazaar so I guess it was during Ramadan. It was a pair of black Lee jeans. I was so happy when I finally got it.
The toys I loved playing with as a kid was Lego and guns. I did not get to play these things as much with my sisters as I would have loved to but when we played with them I was super happy. Once in a while I had to play Masak-Masak or play House but I only enjoyed the times when I played a more "masculine" role.
I do not identify myself as a man. I just like comfortable and practical clothes and toys that allow me to build things or just run around shooting at things. We all have preferences, I prefer guns to dolls.
Yes I have played with a doll when I was young but what I enjoyed more was not combing Barbie's hair or dressing her up in her many clothes. It was actually building a dollhouse out of cardboard boxes and making it look like a real home. Maybe that's where my dream of being an interior designer started?
Guess who’s back? That’s right, bisexual bachelorette MySpace queen Tila Tequila is back for another shot at love, this time, with 15 guys and girls each. Tila and Bobby broke up barely months after the end of the first season, Bobby not being able to handle her job and its pressures, so a broken-hearted Tila is back for another season, looking for love. Still picky, still princessy, still as gorgeous as ever.
For a change, you can watch this show free (and legally) online on the official MTV website, even if you are not in the United States. Thank you, MTV, for not pulling a ABC or Showtime.
Warning: Mild spoilers ahead! Do not read further if you don’t want to know what happened at all.
The quality of contestants, looks-wise, is definitely lower this season, for both boys and girls. Interestingly, there a lot more butch/andro women among the set. Or rather, were. Most of them got eliminated in the first round, which was unfortunate because some of them were actually cute. Not as cute as Dani Campbell, though – no butch/andro can ever replace Dani. So there. Funny thing was, when 6 of the girls were eliminated, the entire cast of girls as a whole started looking a lot better. The femme girls are fairly hot, but I still miss Brandi, whom I really was wishing would come back for a second season.
The boys were here-and-there, with a weird mohawk guy thrown in for good measure. The boys also included a pair of twin brothers, one of whom got eliminated at the end of the episode. I already spotted who is likely to be this season’s Bobby – Kyle. Okay, not a spoiler, this is purely conjecture on my part, especially because I think Kyle is drop-dead-gorgeous.
A friend said to me…
“Anj, you are bisexual.”
He thinks i can swing both ways because of my past.
I once thought i was bisexual- judging from past behavior, i can be with a member of the opposite gender.
The thought lingered until i saw a more comprehensive definition of sexuality.
It’s here, in an article written quite a while back. “Preferred sexual activity” and “Preferred characteristics of sexual partners” said it all for me. I prefer women. It’s clear as day. My obsession for androgynous faces aside (which can include both genders), the most defining aspect of my sexuality is the distinct preference for female body parts. In fact, going by this definition, i can say with absolute confidence that i find the male physique unattractive. The bods in magazines, TV, everyday men… i have seen them all. The male body allures me at zilch point.
Dangle your average naked woman and average naked man before me, you will see my feet tapping steadily towards the babe.
“If you are lesbian, how can you be with guys?”
Because a relationship is not just about sex.
It’s about emotional connection as well. If i can communicate at a high frequency with a guy, spending time in his presence in myriad shared activities (e.g. movies, meals) is not unpleasant.
As i told many of my dear friends… i don’t see a difference between women and men beyond the physical. In my interactions with gals and guys, they are similar to me. [A reason why i cannot fathom male and female "energies".] The level of comfort is equal. The amount they offer in a conversation depends not on gender, but on their internal substance. You can see the same spirit or level of intellect or amount of passion… in a person, regardless of gender. As long as we don’t get into bed, i am happy interacting with both genders.
“Since you can be straight, why don’t you be straight?”
I cannot be straight.
I can force myself to behave sexually-straight at gun-point.
However, the sexual aspect of a relationship is fundamental to relationship health. As such, my preferred sexual characteristics of sexual partner is crucial to my well-being over the long term.
Thus the question is: Why should i act straight?
Why put on a facade for something that is so fundamental to my well-being… when it doesn’t hurt any other soul?
Anj is lesbian.
I guess I can be considered “butch”. I’m usually not one for labels, but labels find their way to be attached to me anyway. This is not a post about the politics of the butch and femme dichotomy, being or not being. It’s an issue that bothers me every now and then, and lately it has just been driving me insane.
Why I said I “guess” I am butch is because while I don’t think of myself as one, other people seem to mistake me as a boy. And that’s usually fine because other strangers have no business in how I look, and my friends know who I am so it’s a non-issue. But it all stops when I step into the now much-dreaded bathroom/changeroom. Suddenly, my sexual identity becomes everyone’s business.
I’ve had plenty of encounters in the bathroom. Unfriendly stares, hostile confrontations and all. Most of the time it’s a genuine mistake — whoever gives me a hard time is the one to end up feeling embarassed when they realise that they have made a mistake, which is usually when I open my mouth to say, “um..” and my voice becomes proof that I’m not, in fact, a guy. Then I guess they look at me all over again and decide that I could look like a girl too.
Over the years as my experiences grew, my thoughts on the word sexuality and what it meant to me has changed at least twice. It wasn’t just small minute changes. In fact, they were huge paradigm shifts. Quantum leaps from the ultra-conservative, to the modern, and now to the new-age.
When I was a younger teenager, sexuality was a scary black and white word. There was only one definition of it, and that was straight. Constructed by society and enforced by everyone around you, I tried to box myself into that definition. I didn’t even know the word ‘sexuality’ then; I just knew I was straight. Haha. Crushes on girls were anomalies too horrific to confront. I just brushed them aside into semi-consciousness. Meanwhile, I started to cultivate myself a ‘taste’ in men. When fellow classmates gushed about guys, I talked about their bodies. But I mostly avoided the subject of love if possible.
Fast forward to junior college, I came out to myself and others. Suddenly, sexuality was not an anonymous aspect of self anymore. I could no longer blend my sexuality in. But instead I felt compelled to wear it on my sleeve, like a crown of thorns or a tiara, depending on how you see it. Sexuality became’ the opposite of the shadow it once was. It was now an identity.
Lublub is a science student, lublub is a Christian.. ohh, I almost forgot’ lublub is a lesbian! *chuckle, why do we not hear straight people proclaiming heterosexuality as part of their identity?*
As a newly-self-discovered gay person, I was proud of my sexuality. I thought of it as a unique character trait. I’m more special… because of my sexuality. Sexuality then embodied many other aspects of me, such as my beliefs in freedom of choice and non-conformity. Sexuality is me. I was lesbian before I was Chinese or anything else.