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My experience with internalized homophobia

Written by (Guest Writers) on . Posted in Coming Out

Images from jupiterimages.co.uk

Hello I am sitting here at my computer at 6:23 am. Another night I couldn’t sleep well and feeling more alone than any soul on earth should feel. I turn to the presence of my cats for company and my new found shamanism beliefs in nature as I slowly look at the devastaing effect traditional religion has had on my brain in not accepting myself.

I once was a lesbian as if I once was a child, but I grew up and went back to being the kind of woman society accepts, that men find attractive, and that my son would admire. Sad thing is I didn’t admire me. Not only did I not admire me, I chose men who would hit me, use me, cheat on me, and worst of all not make me feel a thing in bed. I always thought if I could just find the right man, my body will respond like theirs does to mine. But no no no, year after year after year I defaced my own emotions with endless numbness offering my body to a man as if it was my only ticket to being straight. I had to pick despicable men for the cruel and endless punishment for really being a lesbian!

54 years later, 5 years of being unattached to anybody or anything, I realize the lie I have been living has cost me my life.

No I didn’t killl myself like so many gay and lesbians have from the 1950’s in the small town where I grew up. But I slowly have been committing suicide by trying to be something I am not. I even have found religious counselors telling me when I heal over the hurt my 2 fathers put me through, that I will naturally want to be with a man once more. As they flaunted their “straightness” in my face like their lifestyle was the only one worth living, I fought countless vain attempts to fit in with their image of me instead of being the person I really am to myself.

Ms Millennia

Written by (Guest Writers) on . Posted in Writer's Space

This is a poem written by Alan Ardy, for the Millenium issue of AWARE, who has kindly allowed us to republish this. Alan has a upcoming poetry book, Champagne & Handcuffs.

 

How will she feel at the end of the year?
Rejoicing and free or shedding a tear?

At the slowness of change and imposed tradition
That’s holding her back from her rightful position

As an equal member of so-called ‘mankind’
Revered for her body but also her mind

A social restriction which that restricts her and binds
Caused by male ego and the narrowest minds

A human rights abuse but does anyone care?
Or even consider that fact it’s so unfair

But she’s come a long way and it’s really quite far
Since the memorable time she first burnt her bra

And though it is true that most servants are maids
And breast cancer research is half that of AIDS

We should rightly applaud the females of our species
Who against every constraint and all of the leashes

Has clearly refused to keep her mind in a fetter
And demolished the myth that males are better

A malicious falsehood since the earliest of times
And she is also responsible for fewer sex crimes

So how will she feel at the end of the era?
And will her rightful place be anywhere nearer?

Because while many females are better than equal
There are numerous others who fear just a sequel

Another millenium of male domination
With more sexist prejudice and discrimination

And what about God with his presumptuous title of ‘He’?
Given the nature of karam, couldn’t he be a she?

Or would that offend male values to their very core?
A trans-sexual deity that could be either/or?

So remember her sisters as she attains success
Or while she’s aiming with confidence for nothing else

Than achieving the highest levels of human endeavour
And realising her dreams which for many girls may never

Ever be possible unless love for her mystery
Allows a destiny where more women make history

A review of Hitting (On) Women (Singapore)

Written by neo on . Posted in Entertainment

I admit I was one of those people who were present at the Theatre Idols reading earlier this year. So the play wasn’t new to me. But this version was, and despite some unexpected directorial choices, I enjoyed and appreciated its art. Now, Hitting (On) Women is one of those things you just have to experience for yourself in whatever form. At the reading I remember being stung with shock as each revelation rolled in. The very foundations of the story became rather unstable, which was tremendous fun. Watching the reading was helpful as I was able to put both renditions beside each other and let different emotions shine in the interplay. This version, although less subtle in some ways, did illuminate certain aspects by carving them in stark relief. It was a very physical, tangible performance, and that helped to bring out the power of its words.

What particularly amazed me was how incredibly intense it was. Hitting is a play that really lives in the characters, and it works well when viewed as a character-driven story. That’s not to say that the plot is lacking, for this highly psychological play has layers and takes us on a ride into the human psyche. As truths unravel, the innocent theatregoer may unwittingly find their own covers peeling back. At the same time, we never really know the characters, and chances are that every member of the audience will see the big picture in a different light.

This is where the acting plays a part. Janice Koh does a fabulous job of portraying the lead character’s inner life, and Serene Chen’s performance winds over and around it, albeit in a rather loud way, providing a foil for the woman’s desperation. I cannot imagine what it takes for these two actors to go through this performance after performance; it must be draining, although such a feat is expected of a professional. Watching them act it out, I (who only have a nodding acquaintance with the stage) realised that this is the power of live theatre. The rest of the cast provide solid dramatic and comic support as well. Admiration and appreciation aside, I suppose that criticism can be levelled at the choice of making Karen a butch character, thus rehashing some unfortunate stereotypes. The possible interracial relationship was also ellided for some reason.

The lighting and the set were commendable in creating an introspective world. I was glad to be seeing characters and scenes in the flesh, as it were. On the other hand, I missed the minimalistic setting of the reading that left more to the imagination. Back then, the bareness meant that I was hearing voices echoing back and forth in the imaginative space of my own head, and I felt that I could temporarily share in the internal world of the lead character in a claustrophobic inner space. For that reason, the horror may have been greater, magnified by virtue of its internalisation. Perhaps because I have seen a similar scene on the near-empty stage, it was a delight to see the contours gaining definition in this rendition.

Something my mind has insisted on hanging onto through both performances has been the idea of how the past doesn’t go away. This probably coalesces in the image of the childlike woman atop huge furniture being alternately shy, coy, wistful, and angry. It is the picture of a woman, grown up and grown away, but partially stunted inside by experiences she can never entirely leave behind. I thought I saw, just below the surface, a plethora of emotion from a younger version of the self, emotions more genuine for having come from a place of innocence. Something in this dynamic resonated with me. When she said a line about people never really changing, I felt a momentary sympathetic desperation that rose, and, clenching, subsided. Halfway through the play, I wondered if anyone could not feel the strange lure and odd safety of that terrifying cliff. How one exorcises the past… I think that’s important.

Other imprints I carried away: Abstraction, pain, the sensation of being lost; subjectivity, and madness in the midst of subjectivity.

Back to the event, there was a little surprise at the end when roses mixed with undergarments and a stray chrysanthemum somehow found their way– I mean, were thrown, onto the stage courtesy of Jean and the Sayoni folk. The cast seemed entertained. Then there was a Q&A, with very astute questions being produced by the audience, such as the one directed at Serene Chen’s “swagger” when very few butch lesbians do so, as someone claimed. It was a pretty eventful matinee, and hopefully a thoughtful one for all concerned.

Hitting (On) Women by Ovidia Yu
DATES & TIME
10 – 19 August 2007
8pm daily plus 3pm on Sat & Sun
No performance on Mon

VENUE The Room Upstairs @ 42 Waterloo Street
TICKET PRICES Sat-Sun, 3pm: $30 Tue-Thu & Sun, 8pm: $35 Fri & Sat, 8pm: $40
Free Seating Free Seating Available from SISTIC

The Indignation Question

Written by lublub on . Posted in Events

An observation that perplexes me at times:

What are the real needs of gay people? And how do we reach out to them?

———–

This was the third run of Indignation this year. As expected, it was highly anticipated and many activists and volunteers were preoccupied with its preparation and execution. There was a great variety of events being planned, and this time there was an improved �gender balance� in terms of the programs offered. There were also some landmark events, such as the kissing exhibition and a public sharing by 3 transsexuals. All in all, a very exciting two weeks indeed.

For most of the events I attended, the program ran smoothly without many hiccups and plenty of refreshments were provided. There were also many helpful volunteers on hand to distribute flyers, souvenirs and usher people to their seats. The topics covered in the events themselves were wisely chosen as they were pertinent and perhaps even taboo (yes even in the gay community itself!) and they were thoroughly discussed. In fact, there was a huge range in terms of programs offered: from forums, to dialogues to readings and film screenings. Indeed, there was much to learn through the sharing of people�s perspectives, their struggles and triumphs.

So I thought, isn�t this a great opportunity for gay people to look into a mirror and gather more insights about themselves and people like them? Why aren�t �hordes� of people, flocking to such events?

Sure, the turnouts have been large indeed. But I would estimate that 70% of the crowd�. are old-timers (i.e. repeat visitors from the previous Indignation, or active members of the various participating organizations in Indignation)

I don�t think publicity is a problem. Nope. Instead, the �bad press� we�re getting from �The Sewage Times� (as one fellow participant joked to me), is ironically creating tons of attention-grabbing publicity for us! Also, the emails on the mailing groups, e-advertisements etc. certainly have a wide reach encompassing thousands of people. I know of many gay friends who know of Indignation but choose not to attend. People seem to be aware, but not affected. As a result— It always seems that there is only a niche group of people who attend openly-gay events, despite publicity.

————

There could be many reasons why�

Firstly, many people prefer to live out their �gayness� in the closet. No need for them to attend pride season activities, wave the rainbow flag and immerse in deep contemplation of what it means to be gay with a whole auditorium of other queers (also all in deep thought). For them, perhaps the company of friends, family and closed ones are sufficient enough. Any queer-centric issues are easily figured out through the usage of the Internet. Or perhaps it�s even a non-issue for them. Gay means gay, lor. No need for them to� �Go out there�.

I�ve always thought this was the answer to our �re-run� turnouts. That despite big publicity, there were usually few new faces due to people�s lack of desire to attend. But there is a second reason.

Recently, I was speaking to a schoolmate of mine, and I asked her why she wasn�t coming. And she reasoned by stating, quite plainly, that when you boil the whole event down to its bare bones, its main function is that it is a social. That most people go to the events to mingle with others they know.

It might not be the main reason. But it definitely is a strong, often, the �turning-point� impetus for us to attend. Such events, underneath the official program structure, provided vast opportunities for people to interact intimately in a cozy setting, catch up with one another and stand around in little groups. Not saying that this is a bad thing per se. But it is something that inevitably develops in such small settings.

Hey, I�m guilty of doing these things too. And when she said that, I understood what she meant. And therefore� what it means for someone new. Someone who comes without �connections� inside the community, and without people to mingle with after the show is over. Perhaps for them, such events might be intimidating. If we are alone and lost, we tend to stick out like a sore thumb amongst all the cliques and chatty people. For some who choose not to come, perhaps the appeal of learning new perspectives is far out-shadowed by the prospect of facing the not-so-appealing social context etched into the event.

Thirdly, another reason she mentioned was the lack of interest in the events offered. And I was like �???? But everything applies to you!�. To which she said, �But. Gay-centric stuff is not my interest.�

Sometimes, oftentimes, I�d have to admit that most of us who attend such events… are a different �breed� of gay people. Perhaps there is a stronger sense of social activism or self-awareness of our queer-ness. That is why we are attracted to events or programs that are specifically targeted towards sexuality. It is a big issue, and focus, in our lives. Yet for other gay people, perhaps being gay is not a big issue inside of them. By �big�, I mean an issue which they actually channel time and energy to reflect over. Perhaps for some gay people, being �gay� only shows up when they fall in love, or have sex. But at other times, they are just like everyone else. For them, there is no need to ponder and dissect and pickle their brains over sexuality issues. It just� IS. Period. No need to consciously step out and discuss. Instead, they might be more interested in stuff like films and art. But gay-centric stuff? Nah�.

—————–

This again, brings me back to my first question. What do gay people really want and need?

Sometimes, as activists, we tend to think on a different level. Many of the programs we come up with tend to appeal to us (duh), but they might not necessarily appeal to the man on the ground. Perhaps that is why Indignation attracts a certain set of people. People like US. Us: meaning people who are already involved in the scene.

So how do we really reach out to the diverse world out there? And invite them through the doors of all these painstakingly-planned events? After all, we do this not for our own personal glorification, or as a cover-up means to have more �fun with our friends�. We do this because we have the community in mind. That we want to reach out to them, and hopefully add value and enrichment to their lives through the events that are planned. And at the same time, make a stand for being gay.

Because it�ll be a sad day if we find ourselves disconnected to the very people we seek to engage. Minority within a minority.

Indignation, anyone?

Maybe not everyone.

It is definitely difficult to ascertain what the community needs, due to the sheer diversity of personalities out there. Despite the fact that we�ll never hit the perfect formula, or cover the needs of every single gay person �. perhaps this is one question, we should never stop asking ourselves. Because in the process of asking, we can reflect, and we can improve. As I was writing this article, it dawned upon me that it was difficult to come up with concrete suggestions, or really pin down what gay people really need. Even the friend I spoke to had only one (her) opinion to offer, out of the many thousands of opinions out there.

But I guess, as a start, we can always increase our awareness of people�s needs, and ask the person next to us if they are coming for Indignation. And if not,

Why.

A message from Sir Ian McKellen for Indignation

Written by sayoni on . Posted in Events

Just before leaving Singapore after a week here performing William Shakespeare’s “King Lear” and Anton Chekhov’s “The Seagull”, renowned actor Sir Ian McKellen left a video message in support of the gay community of Singapore, with a special mention of Indignation, the LGBT pride season.

To movie-goers, Sir Ian McKellen is better known as the wizard Gandalf in Lord of the Rings Trilogy, James Whale in Gods and Monsters, Magneto in X-Men and the Da Vinci Code.

Transcript :

Hello, this is Ian McKellen. I’m speaking to you from Singapore where I’ve had the most wonderful time with the Royal Shakespeare Company working at the Esplanade Theatre for the Singapore Repertory Theatre. I knew very little about Singapore until I came here and I was immediately enraptured by the beauty of the place, the old buildings as well as the new, the old culture and the new, and the people, who were unfailingly friendly and helpful at every turn. And of course, being openly gay, I managed to meet a lot of gay people.

And then we come to the one thing I don’t like about Singapore, which is 377A. You know that law. It’s a British law, and why the hell you’ve not got rid of it, I’m not quite sure. Well, I am sure, because it’s taken us a long time in the United Kingdom and the rest of the world to deal with these old problems, these ancient attitudes that need to be removed if we’re going to be part of the 21st Century. So it’s very important that gay people, wherever they are, should identify themselves, stick up for themselves, represent themselves, modestly and positively, so the rest of the world knows that we’re here and we’re not going to go away. And we’re happy to be here.

And that’s why Indignation is so important. Have a wonderful time. I congratulate the organisers and I hope it’s a step, certainly in the right direction, but a positive step towards one day getting rid of 377A. And you know I’m on your side, and I send you all my love. Bye Bye.

Above is taken from www.plu.sg.’ For full schedule of indignation programs go to www.plu.sg/indignation

 

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